I always start the walk in a hurry. My mind reeling from the conversations from the last few days. Played out and replayed and respond to a better conclusion. I work through the intent and my inabilities to clarify what I mean and how I might best react the next time.  The workshop, the teaching, the conference. Did I make a good impression? Did people learn?

I mourn him. We haven’t spoken in a month. The last emails and texts brusque on his part – pushing me away again, although slightly nicer, the intent is clear—get out of my life; I changed my mind; I can’t be friends with you even though I said thats what I wanted; whatever I could get. 

I really thought we could make it work, defy the advice and be friends after being loves. I don’t follow up this time, I don’t try again. Beware what you ask for. I am done trying, done reaching out, done being pulled in only to be pushed away. Each time has been harder. So I am done. 

Even though it is best for us to not be together – we push buttons in bad ways and are incompatible in others even while we truly truly care for each other – even love each other. But it isn’t good and hadn’t been for awhile. A good time here and there doesn’t make up for months of harsh words, contempt, unkind and mean actions, words and taking fear out on me. The red flags were there early and I didn’t want to see them. So we are done. So I mourn. 

The dog rushes ahead to seek out the new smells, the layers of dog smells. How much has changed since yesterday? I gradually begin to slow. The dog is left behind, intent on her smells and the messages that are left just for her. 

Eventually, after the darting ahead and lagging behind, she settles in as well. 

We match each other’s pace. Our breath, not in sync, but in tune to our own rhythms. We walk. My mind clears. The sounds of the park start to reveal themselves. The breeze caresses my cheek. The birdsong alights around me. 

I smile as I walk. Intent on just breathing and calming my mind. It is a ritual, a walking meditation. I know I am where I am supposed to be. The lessons from the last year intended to humble me in my arrogance; to bring out my empathy; to show me how to be there selflessly for someone in need. I struggled with these things and let my own insecurities rush out again. I lost some things while learning some others. I need to regain some of the self confidence I had before. The sense of self-worth in my own self, in my own worthiness, was beaten back and is slowly being nurtured back. I think all these things at once as I walk and calm and walk and breathe. Letting it go. 

I like who I am, I like the me I have become over this journey. The walk, the mindful breath, the few minutes in the sunshine and soft breeze clarify that.