Over the last several months I found myself pulling away from _________.

The hormone changes have affected the chemical balance and we have settled into enough routine that I am starting to see and feel the things I am missing and not getting from him.

We talk repeatedly about what we each need yet my needs continue to get forgotten or dismissed or trod over because his count more to him. We talk he apologizes and it’s ok for awhile then slides back into the old ways. I feel small and unheard.

So the holidays were stressed and I was there in part but not whole. 

I asked for time to really think about what I wanted and while he was out of country for a month I did just that. Coming to the conclusion that I wanted more – more empathy, more space, more variety, more play, with different men. He expected this and accepted it. So we broke up because he is strictly monogamous and I want to explore more.

A month later I have gone out with a former date and met a couple of other guys online. On the night of ________ and my anniversary of meeting I get asked out last minute to go to dinner and to hear an Irish band.

Cool – keep my mind off the fact that I was supposed to have been on a date with the ex to see Hamilton. 

I have an ok time. This new guy and I have photography in common but there is no chemistry no physical attraction although he is cute. He seems socially deficient. Not able to hold his end of a conversation or even make any attempt at curiosity about anything besides himself – he never asked me a question except once when I asked about his daughter he asked if I had had kids. 

So that date was pretty much a bust although the band was good.

Get home and check phone and social media and right there on Facebook – slap in the face in my face – a picture of _______ with a new woman at Hamilton. 

Irrational feelings. I broke up with him. I shouldn’t care that he is moving on. My first words on seeing the picture were who the hell is that? I guess I wanted him to be sad and to be missing me. And maybe he is because while there are things that made it untenable for me to be exclusive with him I do miss him even if I don’t love him anymore. 

I’m not usually jealous but that pang last night made me sad for the good times we had.